When we are in conflict with another person, I suggest some rules of engagement that work in just about every type of conflict. First, in any and all emotionally charged situations, someone is feeling hurt, threatened, insecure, unloved or unappreciated. In such situations we often get the notion stuck in our head that if they would just be a little different or change their behavior (be nicer, take the trash out, clean up after themselves, etc.), then we would love them so much more. If they would do what we say and act as we think they should — we would feel safe and secure enough to be our wonderful loving selves. So we wait to be our real and loving self until they all change!! They never do!!! So we have a choice: to respond to their dysfunctional behavior with anger or resentment and withhold our love, or to choose to simply be our wonderful loving self anyway – in spite of the hurt and even during the hurt!!!
One of my favorite sayings is “I love you but it is no concern of yours.” This means that when we finally give ourselves permission to love that person fully we actually fall in love with loving them and we don’t need them to love us back or tell us how great we are. Think about the sun for a second. It gives love, light, warmth and nourishment to everything all the time and gets nothing in return. We have been conditioned by our minds to need to be loved, cared for, feel appreciated and important. But these feelings never really fill us up because we constantly want everyone to change, to be better, different, prettier, or skinnier – but it is never enough…
So we can practice the Laws of True Love and open the doors to a relationship that will actually fill us up — completely!
The person whom we hold back our love from may also be the one we live with. This is the one to experience the magic of true love with. So the next time that person makes us feel irritated, angry or hurt, we have a window of transformational change where we can either:
- Make them wrong and thus continue the suffering, or
- Let the anger go and love them fully by responding to the hurt with an affectionate or compassionate thought.
Sometimes telling the other person how much we love, appreciate and respect them helps them feel safe. Ask for their advice on how we can be better. The key is to make them feel safe and yes, be willing to be wrong. Right or wrong doesn’t matter because it is just a mind game. What matters is that we feel free to be our pure and loving self. Being right won’t accomplish that. Making them wrong only makes us right. It won’t let who we really are come out. When we are hurt or angry because we let them stop us from being our wonderful loving self, we get mad at them . Why not let it go and just be happy? Wrap our arms around them and love them fully.
Be willing to be wrong even if we are not — so what! If it makes them feel safe and willing to open themselves up to us and to spread their light and love once again — we may have lost a small battle of right or wrong but we have won the war and opened the gates to true love.
Open Your Heart even more with this article:
Love Unconditionally by Writing a Love Letter